


A fool's errand

by DoomsdayFairy



Series: transcendence au [11]
Category: Gravity Falls, Soul Eater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Transcendence (Gravity Falls), Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Gen, Prior knowledge of Soul Eater not technically required to read but it will make it funnier, contains one(1) fuck, contains zalgo text, mainly a tau fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28133628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomsdayFairy/pseuds/DoomsdayFairy
Summary: Alcor makes a deal that he soon comes to regret.
Series: transcendence au [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/876675
Kudos: 24





	A fool's errand

**Author's Note:**

> ...I should be working on Resbang right now. This is not my Resbang. Oh well ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> See notes at the end for Zalgo transcript

“W̕͠h҉̵o̧̕ d͘҉̕aŗe̸s ̨͞s͟͡um̛͜m͜o̷n̵ Al̸c̛͢o̧͞r ̴t̛͢he̶͘ ̢d͝rea̶̡͟mbe҉͜nd̷ęr?” Dipper burst into the summoning circle with a roaring flash of fire. His summoners, two young boys who seemed to be in their early to mid teens, both stepped back in surprise. 

Great, more kids here to waste his time who hadn't learnt yet that demon summoning was dangerous, probably just thinking it was cool or whatever. It wouldn’t be the first time he almost ended up on someone’s Youtube channel or something similar. One would think that they would have gotten better at warning kids about the dangers of demons in school by now. 

Still… the circle beneath him was almost expertly drawn, and the candles (basic, white, unscented) had all been placed very neatly around it. Actually, the two boys had an air of seriousness and determination around them not usually displayed by kids their age. 

Perhaps they might have something worth his time to offer after all… 

“W͡e͜ll.͞.҉.̷” He said, “I̕'̸m wai̧t͜i͞n͟g҉” 

One of the boys stepped forward and cleared his throat,

“Greeting Alcor,” he said “Thank you for taking the time to hear us out today,” 

“Y̨ea̷h͡ ͏yȩa̸h̶,̵” Dipper said “Ju̸şt g̢eţ t̡o ͡t͡ḩe poi͝nt͘ a͟l͡r͢eady,”

The boys looked at each other. Dipper could sense a slight hesitation in their auras, though it disappeared very quickly.

“We would like to make a deal,” the boy closest to him said, “There is a certain magical artifact that has been lost for centuries, and we would like to have it-”

Dipper couldn’t help but laugh a little. It was almost cute how serious and, for lack of a better word, professional this kid was being. Still…

“A̴nd ̷wha͘t mak̷es͠ y҉o̕u thinķ ͏I̸'̴m g͟o͘i͏ng to ͏g̶i̶v͜e i͠t tǫ ̶you͝? ͘D̴o ͜you ̵r͠e̴a͢lly thi͘nk ͟y͝o̷u̧ ̡t͜wơ ͞ar̷e̛ th̨e ̡f͞irst̵ ̢o̡n̕e͜s t͝ǫ t͝r͡y͠ a̕nd͞ ask me͡ f̢or͞ ̵s̛o͏m͏e͞t̷hin̡g͞ li̸k͢e th͠i҉s?”

“No,” the kid said “Of course not, but I assure you we-”

“Oi! Don’t lump us in with your  _ normal  _ summoners!” The other boy interrupted “Big guys like us are more suited for things like these, you know!” His friend glared at him. Dipper felt a little peeved as well, but he had to admire the confidence the boy had for speaking up to him like that. Or maybe he was just stupid, it was hard to tell. 

“Like I was saying,” The kid in front of him continued “We have done our research about what we want, and we are more than willing to pay the price for it,” 

“O̶h͠?” Dipper said, “A̶nd̵ w̧h̡a̧t͜ ͏is̵ it ̛that ҉you̢ w͞a͟n͠t th̕e͘n͝?” 

“This,” The kid pulled out a neatly folded piece of paper, seemingly printed out from the internet, from his pocket and pointed “The legendary sword, excalibur,” 

Oh wow. That sure was… something. definitely  _ not  _ what Dipper was expecting. Still, a part of him was a little more intrigued now.

“An͜d̸ ̷wh̕at͏ mak̕e̛s ̧you s̛o s̴ur̡e̕ you͝ ca̢n g͞et ̧it?͘” He asked “Y̡o̷u̢ ͠s͝a̶i̷d i͟t҉ yo͏u͏rself d̷idn't̕ ̛y̸ou, i͝t̶'s͞ ҉just ͡a͟ leg̴end͡,”

“We thought so to,” the kid said, “But then we looked into it, and we found a lot of evidence to suggest that it’s real, we just don’t know where it is now,” 

Let’s see, Dipper couldn’t help but do a little mental search while the kid talked. Excalibur… excalibur… ah, there it was! Dipper was now seriously impressed with these kids’ (well this kid’s) researching skills. Very well then…

“A͡n͠d wh҉at͠ d̕o̕ you͢ ͟have͘ t̸o off͜er̴ i҉n ret̕urn? An͡ įt̨em like͢ ̨thi̧s w̷ǫn'̡t̛ ͡be̸ ch͏ea̕p̴ ̕you͝ ̡k҉now?͞”

“We know, which is why we’re offering you this,” the kid pulled something out of his other pocket and Dipper’s eyes widened,

“Is ͠ţhat̶..?̨”

“...a ghost in a flask, yes,” the kid said “So what do you say, do we have a deal?” 

Dipper looked at the outstretched hand in front of him.

“T̴h͘a̸t͠ ̶i̧s u̡şuall̨y͏ ͞my̢ l̛iņe͟,̢ but y̴es̢.̕ O͡ne g̡host in ą ̧flask in ͡exc͜hang̵e for the͝ ͟le͜ge͜ndar͞y̡ ͝s̢wo̧r̶d͡, w͝e ̧h͏ave ͜a͜ d̨e͘a͢l͢,”

The two of them shook hands, and Dipper took a step back and gave the two boys a little bow.

“W͢ell ̶then, lo͢ok͝s li҉k͟e̵ I͡'̨ve go̸t̛ ̧a ̕s҉wor̸d t̨o ̴fetc̸h.͝ I͜'ll͘ ͟see͟ ͢yo͘u la̶t̕er,͡”And with that, he tessered out of the circle.

*

The wind blew cold and tasted a bit like salt when Dipper arrived outside the cave at the coast of the British Isles.  _ Technically  _ he could have tessered all the way in, but this was an adventure now damn it! He had to admit, he felt a little bit excited as he carefully made his way through the dark cave. A group of faeries played in one of the tunnels. Dipper paid them little mind, however they all stopped and started whispering amongst themselves as he walked past. Well, that was to be expected, a high level demon like him just casually strolling through must have been quite an unusual sight for them. 

Finally, he made it to a big chamber. And there in the middle, stuck into a rock, light shining down on it from above giving it an almost ethereal glow, was the legendary sword itself. 

Dipper walked up closer and inspected it. The power radiating off of it was quite strong, especially this up close. What a shame that he’d have to give it away to those boys so soon, it would have made a very nice souvenir, but he had already made the deal. And so Dipper carefully wrapped his hands around the handle, and pulled. The sword came out surprisingly easy. For a second Dipper just stood there, once again taking in its glory, when a bright light suddenly emanated from the blade making him drop it in order to shield his eyes. 

When the light finally disappeared Dipper looked down to see where he had dropped the sword, only to come face to face with… something.

What the fuck? 

“Uhm, hello?” He said, completely forgetting to add any reverb to his voice “Who are-”

“FOOL!” The odd creature said. Dipper was taken aback, not knowing what to say. The creature, a small white anteater looking thing wearing a fancy shirt and a top hat, looked at him. 

“Excuse me?” Dipper said “I said who are-”

“FOOL!” The creature exclaimed again “Is this how you chose to introduce yourself? Shameful! The youth of today has no manners!” 

“Uhm, sorry? My name is Alcor the-”

“Fool!” Dipper was interrupted again. This was starting to get annoying, who did this guy think he was?!

“I am the legendary sword Excalibur!” The creature said “My legend dates back to the 12th century! My achievements are numerous and have all been passed down throughout history for generations! And you are?”

“I already told you, I’m Alcor the-” 

“Fool! I didn’t ask you who you are!”

“Yes you did…”

“And why are you here? What sort of business does a man wearing such a lousy top hat have with me?”

“You’re wearing a top hat too! And I’m here to-”

“Fool!” 

Dipper gritted his teeth. Was this  _ really  _ Excalibur? There was no way such a legendary… item? creature? whatever, could be so obnoxious. Unfortunately one look at his aura confirmed to Dipper that this guy was indeed the same as the sword he had been holding just a few seconds ago. 

What a bother.

“Do you want to hear my legend?” 

“...what?”

“My legend begins in the 12th century!” 

“You said that already-”

“Fool!” Excalibur pulled out a cade and smacked Dipper on the head. Ouch.

“Hey be careful with-”

“Such an ill mannered young man! When I was young I respected my elders!” 

Oh,  _ Dipper  _ was ill mannered!? How dare this creature talk to him like that! Seriously!

“I used to go clubbing in New York,” Excalibur said “Or was it in London? Paris? I’ve been to quite a lot of places, my legend stretches far and wide! Once I visited the opera in-” 

“What does this have to do with anything!?” 

“Silence Fool!” The cane hit Dipper on the head again. “I shall now sing you a song! Ahem!”

Excalibur took a few steps back and started dancing around as he was singing,

“ _ ♪ Excalibur! ♪ _

_ ♪ Excalibur! ♪ _

_ ♪ From the United Kingdom! ♪ _

_ ♪ I'm looking for Heaven! ♪  _

_ ♪ I'm going to California! ♪ _

_ ♪ Excalibur! ♪ _

_ ♪ Excalibur! ♪.. _ ”

Dipper clenched his fists.

“Shut up…” He pleaded “Just, please shu͟t͠ u̷̸ **p** ,” Excalibur stopped and stared at him. 

“Fool!” He said, raising his cane again. Something inside Dipper snapped.

“A҉A̶AUU͝GH ͘That̷'̕s ̵i͜t̢! I'͝m̶ ̵d͘o̴n̕e! ͢I͢ ̧c͞an͠'̴t tak͞e ̴i҉t ̕a͠n̡ymo̸r͡e̸! GOO̸DBYE͡!” And with that, he quickly tessered out of the cave.

*****

The two boys were pacing back and forth impatiently when Dipper came back. Their faces both lit up when they saw him.

“Do you have it!?” One of them asked excitedly. 

Dipper just threw a map at them, a big red X marking the cave he just left.

“He͜ŗe. ͏G͘o͠ f͝in̢d ͜įt your̕s̵el͘ves!͟ I̸'m ̢done!͢”

“But… what about our deal?!” 

Dipper tossed back the ghost flask as well,

“T̸he ͏dea̸l͡ i͘s off͏! ͝I͘ ̕ca̴n'̷t ̨d͏o t͏h͞iş, ͏g͟ood̵b͘ye!͠” 

Dipper didn’t stay to acknowledge the two boys' confused protests. He just wanted to get home and get a break. Maybe take a nap for like, a century or twelve. 

…

What a day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to those who made it all the way through, you're all brave souls! 
> 
> If you want to listen to Excalibur's song you can do so here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4vFP9ZgSI8&ab_channel=TristanMatt (I do not own this song or video) 
> 
> *
> 
> Zalgo:
> 
> “Who dares summon Alcor the dreambender?”
> 
> “Well”
> 
> “I’m waiting”
> 
> “Yeah Yeah,”
> 
> “Just get to the point already,”
> 
> “And what makes you think I’m going to give it to you? Do you really think you two are the first ones to try and ask me for something like this?” 
> 
> “Oh?”
> 
> “And what is it that you want then?”
> 
> “And what makes you so sure you can get it?” 
> 
> “You said it yourself didn’t you, it’s just a legend,”
> 
> “And what do you have to offer in return? An item like this won’t be cheap you know?
> 
> “Is that..?”
> 
> “That is usually my line, but yes. One ghost in a flask in exchange for the legendary sword, we have a deal,”
> 
> “Well then, looks like I’ve got a sword to fetch. I’ll see you later,”
> 
> “Shut up,”
> 
> “AAAUUGH That’s it! I’M done! I can’t take it anymore! GOODBYE!”
> 
> “Here. Go find it yourselves! I’m done!”
> 
> “The deal is off! I can’t do this, goodbye!”


End file.
